Oh, come on Glenn, you’re not going to talk about the weather are you?
Talk about shooting fish in a barrel.
Actually, with the amount of storm surges we’ve had, finding fish in a barrel wouldn’t be that hard. Though shooting them seems a bit excessive. Either release them back into the ocean or barbeque them with fennel. There are no other options.
I am, in fact, going to talk about the weather but only in, what I hope is, a moderately entertaining way. I’m aiming for moderately entertaining to keep expectations low. I find that’s best.
I have some theories about our lack of summer.
Surprisingly, none include climate change.
Don’t panic. I’m not denying it, that’s madness. It’s just an easy target to rant about – see previously bullet-ridden marine life.
Plus, well, it’s a bit of a downer and far smarter and more qualified people than me have been blathering on about it for ages. Not that anyone appears to be listening.
My first reaction on discovering that the good weather has buggered off, is to claim the Australians stole it. After all, they’ve got form when it comes to pinching our stuff.
However, given the moaning from my mates across the Tasman, it seems their weather has been equally shite. Grudgingly, I’ll have to concede that they are probably innocent of meteorological misappropriation.
This doesn’t mean, Australia that we’ve forgiven you for the many other affronts. Stop sending us your criminals! Given your origin story, I’m surprised you’re so keen to follow your old colonial master’s lead.
Theory two is that it’s a conspiracy by weather presenters.
Excessive weather events are the only times these glorified pointers get to move from their shitty ‘end of the news’ spot, to up-front where the real news is happening.
I get their frustration. I’m assuming they must have done some sort of study and have, at the very least, weather related qualifications so it must be galling to be given a slot normally only viewed by weather nerds or people who have fallen asleep in front of the telly.
Over the years, I’ve noticed increasingly desperate attempts by weather presenters to jazz up their segment. This normally involves adding ‘personality’ to the forecasts, usually by adding nonsensical and inaccurate similes to their reports.
Suddenly, showers tiptoe across the map, an anticyclone gives the country a warm hug and a low has a tail like Peppa Pig.
God help us.
But, when the weather is the news, it’s their time to shine (unlike the sun). There is a lot of excited arm waving, alarming talk about isobars (which sounds like somewhere you could find a drink during Covid), El Nino and troughs. The camera is mugged, existences are justified and sodden holiday spots are picked over with barely concealed glee.
This theory isn’t as crazy as it sounds.
This theory isn’t as crazy as it sounds.
Think about it.
They have motive and opportunity. During forecast school (which I imagine looks like a budget Hogwarts) they must have learned some weather-related spells and worked out which herbs could brew up a cold front.
It all fits. They don’t report on the weather, they make it. Even as I type I can see a black cloud gathering above my house.
Co-incidence?
Unlike my first two carefully thought-out and logical theories, number three is a bit of a stretch.
I blame Wordle.
I’m not sure how or why but ever since it became a worldwide sensation, things have turned to crap.
And it’s not just because I couldn’t get ‘Coyly’.
There’s something insidious about the deceptively simple game that’s throwing out the world order.
Stay with me here.
All that built up frustration and pressure has to go somewhere. I think it’s being released into the atmosphere and seriously messing with weather patterns the world over.
Flood in India. Blame ‘Catch’.
Hurricane in Cuba. ‘Trite’.
Drought in Los Angeles. ‘Mummy’. Three m’s I mean, come on!
So, how do we get summer back? Pretty obvious really. Send all our weather presenters to Australia and ban all infuriating word games.
Honestly, I can’t work out why I was missed off the New Year Honours List, yet again.
I have a few theories on that.
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