Here’s a question.
If I explain something and I’m a man does that mean I’m mansplaining?
I think if I’m explaining it to another man then I’m fine but if the elucidation is aimed at a woman then I’m in immediate peril. Not that this is a new experience for me; speaking to women has always been something of a minefield.
This is because I am stupid, unable to read the room and am part of the patriarchy, even though I didn’t know I’d joined.
I’m nervous even bringing this up. Please don’t cancel me, obliterate me on social media or send me hate mail (male?).
However, in the spirit of men everywhere, I’m going to plough recklessly on regardless of the danger.
Perhaps I’ll be on safer ground if readers regard the following advice as a public service announcement rather than a definitive guide.
This is also a free insight into the male thought process, whether you want it or not.
Here we go.
Men clean better than women. That’s just a fact.
Men clean better than women. That’s just a fact.
We employ more effective time-management techniques, use fewer cleaning products (so are saving the planet), conserve energy and do a job that could be described as adequate if you don’t look too hard.
My first cleaning tip covers vacuuming, mopping, wiping and dusting (see, we’re saving time already). This life-changing hack is so simple you’ll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it.
Don’t move stuff.
That’s right. Clean around, not under.
Those bathroom scales. That bottle of hand wash. Barstools. Ornaments and cushions (pointless anyway). Clothes on the floor. All of it. Leave it where it is.
Why would you move it? You just have to put it back and no one can see if there’s any dirt under it anyway.
Actually, there can’t be dirt under it because it is a solid barrier that blocks dust or grime in the first place.
That’s just physics.
In a similar vein, there’s absolutely no point cleaning windows if you can still see out of them. Keeping them a bit murky also stops people from looking in which is great for security and privacy.
Plus, you won’t have to shell out money for tinted or frosted glass.
A guaranteed win.
The same applies to shower doors. They are being constantly cleaned by the soap or body wash (not that I condone body wash – it’s just not right) that gets splashed on them on a daily basis.
What’s the point in putting extra cleaners on something that’s already covered in cleaning fluid?
Photo by Majestic Lukas on Unsplash
Give the doors a quick rinse at the most.
It’s like washing your feet. There’s no need for it. Gravity ensures that soap suds cascade over and pool around them in a natural cleaning motion which means there’s absolutely no point bending over and risking a back injury to clean something that’s already had a good soaping.
Common sense.
Gravity is also your friend when it comes to ironing. Just hang it up. Creases will drop away over time and if they don’t, wear something else.
I’m adding a caveat here. Sometimes, for no discernible reason, washing machines and dryers will wrinkle the living crap out of clothing and even stuffing more clothes in to reduce the potential crumple zone doesn’t seem to work.
I don’t understand it. I did the maths.
If this happens, some ironing might be required. It very much depends if you can pull off ‘dishevelled’.
If you do have to iron, remember this. A quick whip-over is good enough.
Whatever you are wearing is going to get crumpled the first time you sit down so don’t spend too much time trying to get creases out.
Lastly, I’m going to tackle folding fitted sheets. Or rather I’m not going to tackle that because it’s impossible. They were designed by sadists, or maybe they are a mathematical puzzle only certified geniuses can solve.
Whatever.
Scrunch them up, chuck them in the linen closet and shut the door.
This fits with the immutable law of man cleaning – if it can’t be seen, it’s not there.
Unless, by following my feet washing technique, you end up with foot fungus.
If that happens I’ll allow some mild scrubbing.
This column is dedicated to my beautiful wife who passed away a year and a half ago. She was a cleaning goddess and tidied at a level mere mortals couldn’t hope to achieve. I can feel eye rolling and tutting as I write.
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I totally agree with your thoughts here! Sadly, my Mum doesn't accept such logic, so each time I had to clean, it must've been done on her terms. When it comes to shower fears, I'm more afraid of falling over than back injury when washing my feet.