The Belize zoo was started in 1983 as a last-ditch effort to provide a home for a collection of wild animals which had been used in making documentary films about tropical forests. Irony much?
It’s a non–governmental, non-profit organisation focused on wildlife conservation through rehabilitation and environmental education. It is made up of animals that were orphaned, rescued, born at the zoo, rehabilitated or sent from other zoological institutions.
Its vibe is best captured by the wording on this sign I photographed while there. I’m quoting it verbatim including punctuation and the fact that it’s all in caps.
‘I AM AN ORNATE HAWK-EAGLE, AND SOMEONE SHOT ME! YES MON! SHOT ME! AND LOOK YA! NOT MANY COUNTRIES HAVE BIRDS AS BIG AND AS PRETTY AS WE ORNATE HAWK-EAGLES. LISTEN MY SPECIES LOVES TO EAT SNAKES! NOT LIKE YOU! AND MY SPECIES LOVES BELIZE!! JUST LIKE YOU!
Nine exclamation marks. Nine! (ten including that one).
What did the ornate Hawk-eagle look like I hear you ask? I dunno, I couldn’t find it. Mind you, it has a pretty good excuse to hide from humans.
Having seen the sign I assumed (incorrectly) that the zoo had a pretty chilled attitude to visitor interaction with the critters. Now, I know better than to feed the animals but if you come across a coatimundi (my absolute favourite diurnal mammal) that’s looking a bit thirsty then surely sticking your water bottle through the fence to give it a drink is okay, right?
Apparently not.
I got a serious dressing down from one of the keepers who immediately placed me in the irresponsible tourist category – yeah, fair call. I wasn’t threatened with expulsion but they kept a close eye on me after that.
The main reason I remember Belize zoo so vividly is the tapir. Or more specifically the tapir’s penis.
Before we get onto the penis, so to speak, let’s talk a bit about the tapir itself.
Tapir are large herbivorous mammals, similar in shape to a pig but with a short nose trunk, which can be used as a snorkel.
Interesting so far but not OMG memorable.
Although they often live in dryland forests, tapirs like to frolic in waterways if they are close by. When entering a river tapirs will swim, sink to the bottom and walk along the riverbed to feed. Much as I’d like to see that, it’s still way less interesting than their dongs.
About that.
The tapir has a gigantic prehensile penis. Terrifyingly, prehensile means it can grip with it. It is literally a gripping penis.
It is literally a gripping penis.
I mean how useful would that be? Hands full with bags of groceries and you need to open the car door? Do it with your penis.
Of course there’s a high likelihood of instant arrest but aside from that, it’d be brilliant.
As tapirs don’t drive cars they use their mammoth grabbing penises to hold onto female tapirs during copulation, thus ensuring insemination but probably signaling the end of the romance.
You used to send me flowers, now you just pin me down with your penis! Ahh, the wonders of nature.
My travelling partner, Simon, and I had the good fortune (or misfortune, depending on your point of view) to observe a tapir penis up close. At first I thought a huge python had snuck into the tapir’s cage and was eating its leg but no, it was his willy. It’s so long that there is video footage of tapirs using their appendage to scratch their backs.
Best party trick ever and quite a thing to see.
However, I wouldn’t advise googling it as I did because I think I’ve just been placed on several Interpol watch-lists.
It’s interesting to note that female tapirs are pregnant for thirteen or fourteen months. I assume that’s because they are in no hurry to have sex again.
Can’t say I blame them.
Great yarn Glenn. Merry Christmas. And thank you for the heads up (cough) about not googling "Tapir's penis".
Snort-laughed. (I have often felt over the years that the patriarchy has arranged our workforce as though you needed a penis to do things. Fascinating to find a species where this may actually be true.)