Burning Issues.

I’ve thought long and hard about which topic I should cover in today’s post – War in Ukraine, the Auckland floods, the global financial crises, quantum physics (this may be a reach), the insidious threat posed by AI or the widening gap between social, economic and geopolitical classes.

In the end, I’ve decided on toast.

Yes, you heard correctly, toast. Or more specifically toaster settings but let’s not quibble, they’re interconnected.

Shockingly, there is little, if any, media coverage or discussion on this topic but I’m not one to shy away from contentious issues so let’s go.

I want to be clear that the following comments are just my opinion which means they should totally be taken as gospel.

When it comes to bread-related subjects I am virtually a god and never wrong.

Never.

I am, after all the inventor of the pie sandwich (for which I’ve received surprisingly little recognition) and I will brook no argument.

There is a right way and a wrong way to toast bread. My way is the right way.

Before I impart my wisdom I need to acknowledge that not all toasters are created equal so I’ll allow wiggle room for older models, cheaper models and models made by ‘The Toast Sadists’ (more on this later).

Okay, any toast ‘made’ in any setting under three is complete madness.

What’s the matter with you people?

Anything that emerges from a toaster under those conditions is not actually toast. It’s just hot bread. You might as well have just left it out in the sun for fifteen minutes and be done with it.

There’s no colour. There’s no crunch. And don’t get me started on butter meltage!

Side note – the internet is telling me that there is no such word as meltage. Well, I’ve got news for you, spelling bots, there bloody is because I’ve just used it and yes I know the grammar in this paragraph is all over the shop and I don’t care.

Anyway, anyone using the lower settings is not to be trusted. They are the sort of people who order steak tartar; they take umbrellas with them ‘in case it rains’ and own very small, rat-like dogs. Wrong, on all counts.

The other end of the scale is equally insane.

Anything over four is unacceptable, you’re not eating toast, you’re eating soot.

This is a crime against bread. Do you know how many hours a baker has put into creating the perfect loaf?

Nor do I, but I bet it’s a lot.

When it comes to food a good rule of thumb is that black is bad unless it’s a truffle, or black pudding, or chocolate, or blackberries, or figs, or pepper, or blackcurrants, or soy sauce or licorice…

Hmm, I may not have thought this rule through, mind you olives are black and they suck so I’m sticking with it.

Black food (with more exceptions than anticipated) is incorrect so your toast should be coloured a medium tan. It should have a brownish hue and a light crunch. A knob (snigger) of butter should gently melt when placed on correctly toasted bread.

Photo by Seriously Low Carb on Unsplash

COLD TOAST IS AN ABOMINATION AND IS NOT TO BE TOLERATED OR ACCEPTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

I’m flexible when it comes to spreads. Knock yourself out. There you go. No one can say my viewpoint is in any way obdurate or dictatorial. I’m all about free thinking and experimentation, within tightly confined boundaries.

So, we’ve established that the sweet spot on most sensible toasters is between three and four. I will accept two and a half for particularly light bread and four and a half for dense sourdough but that’s it.

Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room, or more appropriately the elephant in the airport.

Why God why does it take up to six times through so-called ‘toasters’ in airports (and some hotels) to gain even a slight amount of colour?

I’ll tell you why.

Those toasters were conceived, designed and made by The Toast Sadists – a shadowy organisation dedicated to desecrating bread and driving toast lovers insane.

They are responsible for infiltrating SMEG and inserting an ejection spring in their retro toasters that expels toast with such power that it ricochets off the kitchen ceiling.

They are to blame for every sticky lever, every loose crumb tray, every interior sticky-out, bread-snagging bit of metal, every short, every spark, and every uneven heating element.  

They are also responsible for AI and the insidious threat it poses.

I bet you didn’t see that coming.

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